Saturday, December 15, 2018

Open Letter to Santa Claus

“As I said before, the birth of Christ is celebrated all over the world. When I say the whole world it does not mean that all people would observe it in the same manner. In all the places that I have visited, including the Muslims and the Buddhists, We have seen the observance. But for Christians it is an act conducted with love.”
~H.I.M. Haile Selassie

Dear Santa Claus,

I hope I don’t offend you but I must admit you were never part of my childhood, and the butt of jokes in my adult years. You were the fat, caucasian magical elf-man who leaves you presents to confirm that some white child was a good kid, whilst in Jamaica we just got Green Grinches filling their political coffers. Wheatley the Grinch who stole Petrojam, Holness the Grinch who dodged his stash in St. Lucia, Seaga the Grinch who sold us to the C.I.A. But this is not about the Grinches, I’ve meditating your esteemed post Santa… “why is it you never come to the ghetto?” “Is it because we don’t have chimneys in Jamaica?” “has your elfly magic staved off global warming from melting away your mythical North Pole home?” “Are you’re X-mas lists longer now that you have emails and whatsapp?” “Are you elves, enslaved or dwarves from some major human trafficking ring?” “How come I’ve never seen you mentioned in the Bible?” “It’s Jesus’ Earthstrong Party why do you gotta be hogging the spotlight though?”

Anyway as much as Marcia Griffiths and Chronixx having been asking why is it you don’t come to the ghetto… right now… to me it doesn’t even make any sense you come, because you have the whole world or almost to deliver to and mi nuh want them hold you up a search you when you a come through the Zoso and SOE in Montego Bay and St. Catherine, it suppose to take forever to pack that bag and organize it, it suppose to take forever for the to search it too, and sure know seh the kiddies round the world don’t want no root up present. Also you may have two nerf super soakers or a few water guns, and a don’t want the police to charge you, worse if you have any fire-crackers and so.

“Christmas” is a Catholic version of a pagan holiday to greet the New Year and be thankful for the autumn harvest of summer crops. Why some Christians continually get worked up over how a pagan holiday is acknowledged by commercial businesses in a capitalist economy defies common sense and reason. But be warned Santa… I hear Santa means Saint, so I am assuming you have some Catholic lineage as they are the group most fond of Sainthood, and with heavy African religious retention around here, Jamaicans tend to be a little Catholic and Pope averse in these streets.

Papa Claus it is worth asking also, since the pagan festival of the winter solstice, already thousands of years old when Christianity arrived on the scene. The ancient druids celebrated the rebirth of the sun; the Greeks made it the birthday of Zeus; the Romans debased it and called it Saturnalia; the Jews attached it to the rebirth of their religion after it had been "killed" by the Syrians; the Christians turned it into Jesus's birthday; is that the reason you “fava” Odin, Father Time and Zeus and dem man deh so much?

I know it seems I am skipping all over the place but, remember up at the beginning of the letter I mentioned climate change, well that is an ecological hazard, don’t it? I was wondering if you could help us with small ecosystem problem… if you ever come here that is! Well you see they have some deer in Portland that is reported to be “nyaming dung” the farm dem and whole of the place there… Rudolph and Prancer them must want “likkle” rest man… just do we a favour and take the deer off our hands.

Don Claus, I and I wanna know, is Santa just a jolly ol’, harmless, friendly fellow? Or is there something or someone else hiding behind jolly ol’ St. Nick? For… the next thing… as a Rasta-man and a parent, mi nuh like strange people, especially man come a mi yard, Jah man, when you see the Rasta gate up a Paradise, if you come a Jamaica and manage to make it to Mobay, just skip it… cause mi paranoid, so if mi see a man a mi yard near all midnight, everybody know mi broke so a must mi woman or pickney you a come fi trouble, nuh dweet... I will chop you. Plus in my household we practise not to take things from people… mi nuh want nuh man try tame mi child wid sweets, cause mi nuh know who a perv. Plus mi hear bout you and that pickney siddung inna lap business… mi nuh like dat!!! Worse all lap business banned as of Dalton X-Factor moment.

I know it seems I am picking on you and going really hard but… You ever noticed how easy it is to transform "Satan" from "Santa"? Just move the "n" to the end. And presto! "Satan" appears… Hmmm!!! An internet Google search on "Satan Claus" [not Santa Claus – but SATAN Claus] found over 4000 hits! Obviously, there are many that tie the two together.

The rearranging of letters (called anagrams) to hide secret names or words has long been practiced in the occult. So Missa Claus, how do you explain that… these are the hings that make I man get so sceptic…

Anyway… I won’t distress you anymore with my philosophical ranting and ramble Missa Claus, but if you do exist and if you are working… I beg you don’t fret on us here in Jamaica, we have Selassie and Ananse and Yahweh and all kind backative down here, but I beg you remember the children dying in the Gaza and Yemen, the one’s being trafficked, the Little Drummer Boys and all the Little Match Girls, the children in sweatshops… yah man, if you can deal with those children first then you can have my ratings. Anyway mi boss likkle more, a have a feeling mi nuh deh pon you nice list.

Yours respectfully

Yannick Nesta Pessoa.

Blessed Winter Solstice to You and Yours.